Assorted Ramblings

This is a cabbage bigger than my head. It weighs 3kg. It also costs 30p.

Things I could do with such cheap and hefty cabbages;

• Door stops
• Free weights
• Sew the leaves together to make a statement dress
• Foam roller 
• Use the leaves to keep rain off my head
• If I am ever trapped in my apartment I will sew the leaves together, comme Icarus, and fly to freedom
• Hurl them at people wearing Uggs, diamante, and kitten heels. 

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Occasionally, when I have the misfortune to hear Chinese pop music, I have the strange feeling that I have heard the song before. I would like to put this down to a natural affinity with Chinese. But that would be a lie. I realised that in fact it was the tune I recognised, and that many songs, children's rhymes and even Christmas carols have become Chinese pop songs. Where Aqua's Butterfly translates well, I was just plain creeped out by God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen's rendering into mandopop. 

Then there is the somewhat frightening CCTV music channel, that pumps out epic ballads like 我爱你中国 (I love you, China) and 幸福中国 (happy China). I remain unconverted.  

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I wish that someone told me that text books are all taunting liars and prepared me for the horrible truth that is reality. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. All those model conversations in your language books? They lie. 

Learning how to ask for directions seemed simple enough at the time, only hampered by my own inability with the cardinal directions. "Excuse me, where is the library?" I'd ask the friendly passerby, "Straight ahead, then turn left", the amiable reply would come. OR SO YOU THINK.

I was looking for a particular room in my university campus, and decided to ask for help. I asked two different people, both were dead-ends. And not metaphorical dead-ends. Oh ho ho ho ho no. Two separate, different people pointed me down routes that were literal cul-de-sacs; one was blocked up by dusty boxes and was clearly in disuse, the other by A LARGE METAL GRATE. 

Of course, at this point, you may say, maybe you misunderstood their instructions? Maybe I did, but they also pointed. If I managed to misinterpret the 'point' I will throw my arms up in resignation and admit to being the worst linguist that ever was or will be. As far as I'm aware, it is not Chinese custom to point one way and say, "definitely do not go that way". Because that wouldn't be answering the question. 

Almost as helpful as the above advice are supermarket assistants. Imagine a huge store, innumerable aisles and signs you can't read. You approach one assistant and ask, "excuse me, where is the...". Then comes the reply "往前走" (walk straight on). Straight on doesn't really take you anywhere, because you are on the central aisle from which all the other aisles diverge. Of course, this could be allegorical advice, as in 'continue on your journey, earnest shopper, and you will soon find the item you seek'. Yeah, I will. Without your help.